From the title you should know what's going on. Des and me have decided to separate for a month due to so many reasons. We have been with each other for 5 years 5 months. During the journey, alot of memories occurred.
I do love Des alot, i think because i do alot of commitment in our relationship. I always tell myself as long as i'm holding this relationship, i have to be faithful, trust and honest to Des. Sometimes i do think that do i still love Des? There's a doubt sometimes. but sincerely, answer is yes. When he's overseas, i keep on counting down the days when he's back in Spore. Alot of people told me that 5 years relationship will tend to be more faded and no more sweetness in it. I didnt agree with them. I love to when we're playing, hugging, beating and all sort of things together. Of cos, sometimes we're pissed off by each other too. We have overcome so many times. True fact "Relationship cant be lasting" without putting effort in it. Its need both parties to clap.
Before the night he set off to Genting, i wrote a letter to him. I did think twice whether i should let him read the letter, cos i think it might effect our relationship. I do afraid to lose him but it's really unforgivable. With my upset and fear, i still decided to let him read the letter. I wrote:
"I felt disappointed that you deleted the comment that i wrote to you. Are you unhappy with it? Or anything wrong with the comment? Maybe without the"dear" word, you would have keep it. I never ever thought you will deleted it away. There's a reason behind for you to do it............................. and no commitment...................................."
But truth is, Des really thinks about our relationship when he's in Genting. He bought the letter with him. I knew when the letter is in his hand, there will be conflict again. It's happened when Des came back from Genting. He have made a special request from me that is to "Can we have a silence month break"? At first, i really don't wish to leave cos i felt that's everything is going smoothly now. It might be only surface of book. But at that moment, i insist not to leave. Its really heartache to see this ending. I wrote to him because i want us to be truth to our self and hopefully we can made some amending to it. Its not about leaving or not leaving but to go into a deeper stage. Guess i have given alot of pressure to Des, this relationship is adding a burden to him which resist himself from what Des wants to do. Its been so many years. Des has told me to understand him as well. Des think that i love him more than he love that its unfair to me. So having a one month silence break is the best. I have no choice to accept the fate. I know its no point dragging it also. Give each other time to think whether we really can make things work anot. Both of our thinking are different, he want to enjoy the freedom and play with all his energy and for me, i want a boyfriend that can show care love to me and of cos i wish that he can stick with me.
I have thought since the whole night throughout, we should give each other time to think what we actually wants. So been without contacting and seeing each other for a month is the best solution. Sometimes i did think to end for few months, but if everything ended, it's hard to get go back again. I couldn't bear to leave Des cos we been too far to to be too close and maybe that's the reason why we would have to do it. Being a Des's gf for so many years, i have learn alot of valuable things and with grown me up during this 5 years. I not to going to pull or hold Des back anymore for this one month. "IF ITS YOUR, ITS YOUR", there's no need to be fear or afraid whether he will/wont be back. I have to face the fate. Desdear: moments that we spent i still remember from now. From schooling till your NS, i am happy that we share alot of things and cherish me. You have been trying very hard already in our relationship. i couldn't expect you to give me more cos it's beyond your limit.
From today onwards, i will be strong and brave to face it. It not miserable to me anymore. Life still have to go on no matter how hard is the road. I won't bother Des for the time being. We need our own empty space. Loving a person is really a most difficult role in life and able to continue with your loved is another chapter of story.
With lots of thought and lost's soul.
====Jocelyn never regret been together with Desmond====
====='m appreciated for what Des have done===========
====One month of silence break will end in 16 Oct 08===
====Jocelyn have to be strong to keep on moving======
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