"You're always on my mind"

I wanna post again!
I want to write out all i felt!

Des and me have met up yesterday. I'm been thinking for few days should i meet him anot. But when i told myself that he made an initiative to ask me out, i should be brave to face him. After my ice-skating at Leisure Park, he came to find me.

I felt weird at first cos it was really uncomfortable. We are normal, just a casual talk on how's life going. We headed to Esplanade after our dinner. It was a few years back ever since we been there. We find a small corner to sit and here goes our conversation. He asked me do i have any things to tell him? Frankly speaking, 'nope' at the beginning. We sat down at slowly talked about our 5 years+ of relationship. I always told myself to be strong to face it and don't be foolish again. At that moment, i know that i have not forget him and still love him. Des made me so confused. He let me go because:

• He want my life to be bright fully.
• I love him more than he love me.
• He don't want to hurt me if he does anything wrong.
• I can be happier without him by my side.
  

He told me, "Actually i still wish to hold on this relationship. Why you want to come on that day, if you didn't come on, nothing will happen." I felt so heartache when i heard it. i felt that I'm the one making a mess of it. I can sensed EVERYTHING from him. I know we misses each other alot. We have been spending along for 5 years plus. It wasn't easy at all. I felt so relief, when I'm with him. He the only guy that i will make an initiative to do everything. Last night, i really do still love him. When Des told me what's thinking, i felt that it's a good thing. Cos we must shared out our thought. I'm happy that we did. He asked me, "If one day i come back to you, will you come back?, Do you still love me now?" i wish to tell Des the truth that I wish that you will be back by my side and i still love you! But i didn't, i keep on denying cos I'm afraid to get hurt again. I know i should tell him the truth cos i might slipped the chance but I DIDN'T !

When the moment that he lend his head to me and kissed me, i know that he still love me. Cos i understand what he's character is. I can't resist anymore. I just want to cherish the moment that we are together. I felt that he's still with me even though we are apart. I missed the moment that i was sitting at his back and hugging him when he was riding his bike. We headed back to his place. I know that his mum will be surprised to see me and thought we are fine already but we weren't. I go to his place cos i want to pack my stuff back home. But truth fact, i don't bear to leave him and i still want him to be by my side, so without regrets, i followed him. I know Des also can't bear to leave just like that. I know he also miss the moment that we have! I can sensed it even thought he didn't mention anything to me. I decided not to go home cos we really can't bear each other to leave.

The Deep sparkle Of Love That Occurs!

Night time comes, He still sitting beside me, lying on his shoulder and seeing his face. It's really warmed my heart. When the night start to fall, we hugged each other. When the moment that he hugged me, i know that both of us can't bear each other. I love his hugs and i do also. Alot of things occurs so naturally. There's doting, eyes contacting and misses. Cos that's "LOVE". If you won't love a person, you won't have to do such things. I know i couldn't resist anymore cos i still love him. We both treasure the night. Feeling totally changed. Till last night, i then realized how much we love and miss each other and it's so strong without words. I was wronged all the time. i thought we really can't be back again but when i realized alot of things, i know we are truly love each other. I having a warm sleep cos Des is hugging me to sleep throughout the night. He won't have to does all this if he don't love me anymore. When morning reaches, I COULDN'T FACE THE REALITY that we have to leave. Maybe he's waiting for me to finish my bathing, perhaps. We hugged each other right away and give each other a kiss before i leave for my work and he need to go back to camp. It's come across so naturally. Well, i believe in him. Everything! You are my beloved boyfriend all along. Thanks for loving me. Sometimes things are meant to be with us. No regrets and hatefulness. Give a chance to think about what we have and did.

A Message to Des:
"Its really unbearable and really miss everything that we did. I know we still have to move on. The feeling i felt for last night is unforgettable. At that moment, i realized how much we love & miss each other. The night passed fast that we're going to apart each other. We know we can't bear each other to leave but we no choice. For now, we know that leaving each other and giving each other time to think is the best. Our love just like a sparkle of fire. Hugging me to sleep and kisses from you, I will remember always. I wish to be selfish and be a demanding gal that won't allow you to leave. Loving you and be a good girlfriend, will be the best that i can give. It's not going to be history or past tense. It will be a miracle and a future for each day! "

CRAZY SALES!

Shopping paradise yesterday! Xinxin and i went to Taka and Wisma. We didn't bought anything cos all the items are so EXPENSIVE. I nearly bought a long cottonwood shirt from Pull & Bear but it's cost $50 for it. I think it's not worth cos it's a thin layer of cloth only. Alot of things are tempting but we keep on self resisting. Haha! We plan to meeting another friends of mine at Grand Hyatt Hotel. Why is it at there? They are catching up a BIG BRANDED WAREHOUSE SALE! At first, i wasn't so tempting to go there cos i think the items they're selling are old and dirty. Never expect that it would be a SO GIGANTIC! They sold lots of different branded brands; RAOUL, GAP, LEVIS, GUESS, MISS SIXTY and......... Wowow, the most tempting was "GUESS CORNER", the biggest counter of all. They have almost 20WARDROBES for bags!

BAGS ARE DAMN CHEAP REGARDLESS OF ANY SIZE!

SALES PRICES AS STATED:

- 1 for $45

- 3 for $120

- 5 for $175

UNEXPECTED PRICE DROPPED AFTER 2 HOURS:

Straw bag - $15 (I bought one for my xiao mei.)

Stripe bag - $15 (Although it isn't that beautiful, but i was attracted by it's inner design and compartment. A very useful bag for studying and beach scroll. I bought 2 with different colours! )

Shimmering handbag - $30

Ashly-yellow hand/sling bag - $30(Supposing, this 2 should be @ $45 each but i guess that the cashier has key in the WRONG AMOUNT. I have save $20 for both!)

I HAVE BOUGHT 5 BAGS FROM GUESS! Prices are so reasonable! Call sales were announced at 5pm! They announced that Straw Bag and Stripe Bag are selling at $15 each! Can you imagine a Branded Brand selling at a DAMN CHEAP PRICE? There's a "WOOOOW" sound when the announced was made. Soooooo Funny haha and everybody just snatched the bags EVERYWHERE! Xinxin also snatched the bag like hell, when i saw her hand carried 4 bags on each arm, mean total 8 bags she was carrying. It's was damn funny loh. I can't said her as a typical shopper cos i also acted the same as her! Even one of my guyfriend, Nalvin, he also joined in to look out the bags we want and snatching everywhere! haha. He added: 'I never expect the SALES would be so fun! hahaha."

: 3 OF US BOUGHT TOTAL 0F 10 BAGS at $195.

: ME - $105

:XINXIN - $75

:NALVIN - $15

(sooo less compare to us, cos he bought a ladies bag for his friend!The bags are so heavy, but thanks to Nalvin, he's a gentleman. Helping all of us to carry. xieXie!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After payment, we went to far east to SHOP again. I bought a cute lace plain t-shirt with a printed girl on it cost at $29.90 from THE BOX.

*Cute right?*

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WE CAUGHT ANOTHER WAREHOUSE SALES @ SUNTEC CONVENTION HALL.
"JAY GEE SALES"
(Levis, ALDO, Cathier and other. Can't remember all!)
I bought something again. OMG! I been spending the whole day.

ALDO KENDRICKA SHOES @ $25.90.
With Citibank card add. 10% , so i need to pay only $22!
I felt so lucky cos it's the last pair. I just gadded it.

The Colour is so unique and matches well with GREY. So love it.

~TOTAL SPENDITIVE: $156.90-
(Still acceptable, cos i bought alot of things!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought a "PUMA PINK TOTTE BAG" last week for $79 @ Takashimaya!
But i only paid $19 cash cos I'm using voucher!

It's brighten up my personality and make me feel so cheerful when i use HER!
LIKE IT! LOVE IT!

That's all.......
[Feel kinda guilty and sinful that i kept on spending my money. haha!]

Apperciated and Concerned in me

I have been living in my own world for 2 weeks. During this 2 weeks, i appreciated what my friends have been pulling me strongly and accompany to walk with me. Each day passes, i felt that i'm getting stronger and stronger. Thanks to all my friends, without you all, i don't know what will happen to me. Planning my activities without consideration of boyfriend's exist and no burden on whether what my decision is make. I believe that being in single hood,there will be advantages. So i'm facing the fact each day and reminding myself that we are apart.

By coincidence, i realized all my close girlfriends were also having a hard time and miserable life in their relationships. I should not name them, but particularly reasons were:

A Gal: Boyfriend neglected her, not showing much concern on her, putting her in 2nd priorities. [A Gal's thought - He made me cried for days, i have been giving him alot of chances but it's doesn't seem any changes and i'm really tired of it. I want to be silent for few months.]

C Gal: Boyfriend are flirting around outside, ONS with gals without feeling and been cheated on her. [C Gal's thought - I really blind to love him, yet i still love him so much. Even now we agreed to end it but we're still contacting I know the truth only when i happen to see his inbox and asking what the hell is going on. I feel so dump.]

Y Gal: [Boyfriend over-controlled to her, easily angry when she get miss called from him, over-possessive for everything. He wanted to end this relationship because he need to fly back to his hometown which can't tell when he will return. [Y Gal's thought - I hope he really understand me and don't wish to get quarrel over a small matters. It's really upset when you want to leave me. Do we really have to end this relationship just because you need to fly back?]

Well, guys are heartless when they have decided what they want. " Some guys" feel that love in long-term relationships will be faded one day and things get to feel bored. Do you know what girls feel in long term relationships? Girls will tend to love more the each day even when it's for years, it will just go deeper and deeper until you're unbearable of him. We can't avoid fate, only to accept it. So in the end, we still have to strong to keep on moving no matter how hard we can't bear. I think relationship is part of life where everybody will need it. So, be a generous girl to give the blessing of yours to him. This is the best that we can do.

########## Peacefully and care-free life and i'm going to archive the best of me to make each day is a blessing!############

Fact From CLEO

Jo had sent me a message that she read this arrival from CLEO. It was written:

"It said woman tend to be more emotional than man, making harder for us to let go and move on. So many of us fool ourselves into thinking we can remain friends with an excuse, when the real reson behind keepin in contact withhim is to keep track of his life and make sure er move on faster then he does. But all this move does is to create unecessary stress and fufure heartbreak. The guy often said "You will find someone better and i hope you are doing fine on your own." This has do with nothing but spark off a vicious cycle of self pity. Particularly, if he move on while you are still trying to find it in you to throw little notes and other reminders od his presence. If you havenmoved on but persist in keeping contact with him, you are giving him the chance to run back to you if anything go wrong with his new relationship. Other than being his spare tyre, he might just get the idea you are still ava for sex for old time sake.

Sorry for those harsh word cos i really want to nurse your heartache and do not wish you in pain with this relationship. Embraced singlehood, party late into the night, ask friends out and enjoy things that you never had when you were in relationship. The best part is, you can enjoy doing all of this without feeling an ounce of guilt."

[Does it sound realistic to you?] *******

回家 - 顺子

============================================
我还不明白
为什麽离开了我
没有你的电话
没有一封信
我每天晚上在这里
那里也不想去
可是我好爱你
我觉得我会离不开你
可惜我丢了你
慢慢我的眼泪留下来
回家
回家
我需要你
回家
回家
马上来我的身边
别再哭
就让他走
再多痛苦的等候
相信我也能承受
闭上眼
不再留恋
你却一遍又一遍
出现在想你的夜
别说不会有结果
永远永远
别说分手
而你
又怎麽能够
就这样的放手
一去不再回头
be here, just be there, my love and only love
回家
回家
我需要你
哦
回家
马上回家
我需要你
回家
回家
马上来我的身边
be here, just be there, my love and only love
回家
回家
马上来我的身边
=========================================

One Moment Listen Please

The Moment you are in Tension
You will lose your Attention
Then you are in total Confusion
And you will feel Irritation
Then you will spoil personal Relation
Ultimately, you won't get Co - Operation
Then you will make things Complication
Then your blood pressure may raise Caution
And you may have to take Medication
Instead, understand the Situation
And try to think about the Solution
Many problems will be solved by Discussion
This will work out better in your Profession
Don't think it's my free Suggestion
It's only for your Prevention
If you understand my Intention
You will never come again to Tension

Double Saddish Impact

I met kelvin after I've finished writing my blog last night. He's my ITE friend and i have not been seeing for 2 years. We decided to meet nearby my place. The 1st question he asked me is You have things to say izzit"? He can sense it. I have told him about my relationship and he has been listening for 5 years too. He's a good listener and gave me advise alot. I know i should look forward and things have to let it go sooner or later. Kelvin told me guys really like to play alot especially when they're in NS because they facing each other 24hr a day and all are a brunch of bunk mates. Without gf, it's definitely will be a enjoyable moment cos all friends are surrounded. But kelvin told me, it's another situation when they have gf, cos they have to schedule their time for friends and gf. Sometimes no choice, have to neglect one side and kanna shoot by friends or gf. To my surprise, kelvin BROKE off with his gf 3 weeks ago after i have vented out all my thoughts. I was shocked. He's look really down. For him, he have no choice to leave her, it is not because he didn't love her anymore, the reason is they couldn't understand what each of them wants and always end up quarreling. Kelvin still loves her but he knows that there's no point together and no future in between them. No matter how hurt, how unbearable he is, he still decided to leave his gf. It's really hurt when the love ones going to leave you. I admitted his courage, maybe he's a guy so his heart is much more stronger than me. Thanks for the companion last night. I know he mean me well which he don't want me to get hurt in future. I have told him actually i see no point too and maybe i been to use with him around, it could be the reason why I'm unbearable too. Sometimes Things isn't work out on your intention. I know kelvin will be able to start a new fresh life soon. I believe you can! Alright? i know it's hard. My phone will be available 24/7 for you. Let's move forward together, i might need your hand to pull me along. So better be prepare OK? I will be there for you also if you need a good listener too.

Miserable.........

I have been drinking alot this few days. My best friend claudia have went back to her hometown. I missed her alot.

That's her on the left!

I wish i can totally ignore him and disappear from my heart. He has been lying to me. I couldn't believe it that i trust him alot in e end this will happened.

FUCK, Fuck it! I cant control my emotion now but its really damn pissed!
Why people wont't cherish what they have when things are just easy to hold?
Why people will always tend not to satisfied oh what they have now?
Why there's will be no everlasting relationship in this world?
Why people will do things wrong?
Why people will tend to betray their wife and firting outside with other gals?

Faithful person will always tend to get hurt from the loved 1st. Because he/she have given alot of love and concern to her loved. In e end, what will happen? He/she won't tend to cherish what they have and instead letting go! I couldn't understand why love occur in the first place. If you want to fling, just tell them you want to fling. At least, the party will get prepare that it's just a game.

My life have been all messed up! i can't work, sleep, studies and all mean so lifeless to me. It's really effecting my whole life. I wish i can be strong, kept on reminding to just let it go, it's not worth. Cos he's one who let go of me. But i always believe that we LOVE each other just that we didnt realise. Sometimes we tend to neglect other parties, but if things do bother to explain. It's possible to work out to next stage. Why not? WTF! Its giving me madness. I did told my friends that i want to just give up my life. Cos when die, i won't be so miserable anymore and no more torture to me. I thought of many way to end my life. Family giving me pressure and boyfriend is leaving me. The most important roles have been giving me a big blown! What for i still belong to this world. I know i'm silly to say all this but its make me clear my mind. It's useless to do anything. I giving the best of my shot to him not because i want him to stay with me. I understand that the day will come, and its really happened. I'm indeed couldn't face the fact. When a relationship is start, it will have a ending one day just depend whether it is happy ending ever after or miserable ending. If you think that, letting me go is the best choice. I will bear in mind. i been holding on so long because i care about us. I know it's really hard and i know i damn persistent. I DIDNT BLAME YOU, PLS! M i ugly to you? M i a disgrace to you? I hope that one day you will understand me. It's really hurting when you told me to forget you. Been with you for 5 years, how to forget? You can? "The more you love a person, the more hurtful you will get!" I won't ask you to come back to me. I will let you go. Do whatever you like. It's no point to come back now. We need times to cool down. No matter how badly i missed you, it's mean nothing at all.............

i wish to leave out of here and have a long vacation! If i have enough money, i will be flying right away. Sianz......... Venting my anger............. my sadness............. There always a pharse "Plan to be surprised!" It's all doesn't matter now. No soft-hearted, faithful, sweet, caring gal from now. EVERYTHING IS GONE FROM ME. NO MORE AGAIN!

1st Day of Silence Month

Yesterday was the first day of silence day. I wasn't been good the whole day. I can't even work the whole day and i have lesson at night but i didnt attend. I have lost my soul for the whole day. I did tell my bosses that i'm miserable and sad. They told me its part of routine in life and i have to face it. Everything will become a past tense and i still young. Mr Ng really dote me alot, he knows that i'm in painful and he let me to beat and willing to lend me his shoulder. Thanks sir. I know i'm a small girl to you.

Knock off time is around the corner, i forgot that i got lesson at night. I'm really forgot until Joanne asked me. Me and Joanne have been chatting outside our block for half and hour. She's consoling me and asked me to be strong. I really hope i can be. I cried in toilet twice silently and picked up my phone to see my send message on what i have been sending to Des. When the moment i thought of it, its really unbearable. I couldn'y believe everything going to end one day. I have spent my night at Claudia's apartment (My germany friend), she been asking me to join her for a BBQ with them because she's leaving the next 2 days. OMG!!!! she's leaving from me soon. But i know she has to go back one day. We been spending a night at her BBQ pit and we been playing and eating till 11pm. But we didnt stopped our fun, we went to a Pub (Crazy Elephant) at Clarke Quay to chill and drink. We have quite alot of drinks at her BBQ before we were setting off to Pub. I need them to be my side cos i know i cant be alone. Once alone, i will think of Des again. It was a funny night out with them, they get so high-up and we saw some funny joke article about wife, husband, sex........ It's a breaking ice indeed. After that, we walked around. We saw alot of hock girls who are looking for their prey. We're so bad. Keep on teasing them from far. Next, we swapped to PUMP Plub to have more drinks. Wow, Claudia ordered a Bailey Nid (Strong thick favour of Milk Chocolate) , its was very nice! I love it! Chatting alot and in e end, we finally decided to go home at 2am. I went to Claudia's place to overnight because she's staying in NYP and that's my working place.

I told myself i must keep myself ocupied and do whatever i want during this month. Play, club, travel and more. Of cos, i can't skipped lesson anymore. I know its shouldn't influence my studies. I wont, i promise myself. I have to be strong and cheerful the each day. I will tend to pick up my phone to write a message to Des. I wish to tell him that can we don't give up each other and stay to each other side? But i know i can't do it. We have been going through alot, i'm so worried when you're sick, cook dishes for you to eat, when you have difficulties, i will be always be yours side to help.

Chinese New Year: Been with you for 5 days.
Valentine Day: An appreciated message received from you.
Illness Day: Another apperciated message from you.
Bangkok and Diving Trip: You missed me alot.
School Term Start: You bother to come so far to fetch me.

Why it will turn out to be like this? Why WHY WHHYYY? Is it because i'm controlling you too much? Not enough freedom that you have? I'm okie with it. We just share it out. Never expect that, we have to silence a month with you. I have been spending all my times and weekend just to be with you. No shopping or staying at home, i'm happy le. Cos i know what you want. I don't want to force you to do things that you don't like. Dear, i hope you can totally understanding me one day. Can you? I didn't blame you. I know you have been trying so hard. My nagging isn't strong ok.

*Life still have to go on.*

Requesting for a silence one month break

From the title you should know what's going on. Des and me have decided to separate for a month due to so many reasons. We have been with each other for 5 years 5 months. During the journey, alot of memories occurred.

I do love Des alot, i think because i do alot of commitment in our relationship. I always tell myself as long as i'm holding this relationship, i have to be faithful, trust and honest to Des. Sometimes i do think that do i still love Des? There's a doubt sometimes. but sincerely, answer is yes. When he's overseas, i keep on counting down the days when he's back in Spore. Alot of people told me that 5 years relationship will tend to be more faded and no more sweetness in it. I didnt agree with them. I love to when we're playing, hugging, beating and all sort of things together. Of cos, sometimes we're pissed off by each other too. We have overcome so many times. True fact "Relationship cant be lasting" without putting effort in it. Its need both parties to clap.

Before the night he set off to Genting, i wrote a letter to him. I did think twice whether i should let him read the letter, cos i think it might effect our relationship. I do afraid to lose him but it's really unforgivable. With my upset and fear, i still decided to let him read the letter. I wrote:

"I felt disappointed that you deleted the comment that i wrote to you. Are you unhappy with it? Or anything wrong with the comment? Maybe without the"dear" word, you would have keep it. I never ever thought you will deleted it away. There's a reason behind for you to do it............................. and no commitment...................................."


But truth is, Des really thinks about our relationship when he's in Genting. He bought the letter with him. I knew when the letter is in his hand, there will be conflict again. It's happened when Des came back from Genting. He have made a special request from me that is to "Can we have a silence month break"? At first, i really don't wish to leave cos i felt that's everything is going smoothly now. It might be only surface of book. But at that moment, i insist not to leave. Its really heartache to see this ending. I wrote to him because i want us to be truth to our self and hopefully we can made some amending to it. Its not about leaving or not leaving but to go into a deeper stage. Guess i have given alot of pressure to Des, this relationship is adding a burden to him which resist himself from what Des wants to do. Its been so many years. Des has told me to understand him as well. Des think that i love him more than he love that its unfair to me. So having a one month silence break is the best. I have no choice to accept the fate. I know its no point dragging it also. Give each other time to think whether we really can make things work anot. Both of our thinking are different, he want to enjoy the freedom and play with all his energy and for me, i want a boyfriend that can show care love to me and of cos i wish that he can stick with me.

I have thought since the whole night throughout, we should give each other time to think what we actually wants. So been without contacting and seeing each other for a month is the best solution. Sometimes i did think to end for few months, but if everything ended, it's hard to get go back again. I couldn't bear to leave Des cos we been too far to to be too close and maybe that's the reason why we would have to do it. Being a Des's gf for so many years, i have learn alot of valuable things and with grown me up during this 5 years. I not to going to pull or hold Des back anymore for this one month. "IF ITS YOUR, ITS YOUR", there's no need to be fear or afraid whether he will/wont be back. I have to face the fate. Desdear: moments that we spent i still remember from now. From schooling till your NS, i am happy that we share alot of things and cherish me. You have been trying very hard already in our relationship. i couldn't expect you to give me more cos it's beyond your limit.


From today onwards, i will be strong and brave to face it. It not miserable to me anymore. Life still have to go on no matter how hard is the road. I won't bother Des for the time being. We need our own empty space. Loving a person is really a most difficult role in life and able to continue with your loved is another chapter of story.


With lots of thought and lost's soul.

====Jocelyn never regret been together with Desmond====
====='m appreciated for what Des have done===========
====One month of silence break will end in 16 Oct 08===
====Jocelyn have to be strong to keep on moving======

DESLYNIE'S FLEA MARKET ALERT!

DESLYNIE'S UPCOMING EVENT
Venue:Youth Park; opposite Cineleisure
Date: 14th June 2008
Time: 1pm - 7pm
***=== Look out for Deslynie Corner ====***